


Muffincraft

by thatgirlfromasgard



Series: fluids crack fics [4]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Gen, Little bit of angst, body horror if you squint, canon reimagined, casual threats, crackfic, cupcake!cleo, everything is the same except theyre cupcakes/muffins, jellypudding!jevin, muffin!joe, stolen diamonds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:28:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatgirlfromasgard/pseuds/thatgirlfromasgard
Summary: Cleo discovers someone stole part of the prizepool for the headgames, and she wants it back.
Series: fluids crack fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811404
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	Muffincraft

She probably wouldn’t have noticed something was wrong with the prize pile until the moment of distributing them, had it not been for an anonymous tip. Well, anonymous… Judging by the hints of blue jelly on the edges of the envelope, it had been Jevin. He was the only jelly pudding amongst them, after all, and the others would no doubt have left either crumbs or frosting or both. Not that it mattered much who had given her the tip, what counted was that he had been so courteous as to actually tell her _who_ had stolen the diamonds.

_Joe… I’m gonna remove his chocolate chips. That’ll teach him._

First she would need to find him, though, and the not-really-anonymous tip didn’t say anything about his whereabouts. Oh well. There were only a few places where he could conceivably be hiding, and all of them were neatly accessible via Nether portal. It was not a question of _if_ she could catch him, but _when_ she would. Joe would pay for what he had done, in one way or another, and hopefully literally so. That would be best, given the circumstances. After all, Cleo didn’t particularly feel like going to dig up more diamonds, not when she had armour stands to manipulate into becoming visitors of her zoo. Or some more critters, that was also still needed. It wouldn’t be a zoo without at least _some_ animals, now would it?

In any case, she readjusted some of her mouldy frosting before digging though her inventory to find her elytra, which she then promptly stuck in the right slots in the cake that made up her body. It was made a little bit more difficult by the fact that there were a few bites missing here and there, but that was life. Or unlife, if she was going to be pedantic, because even though her body was _far_ past its expiration date, she was still moving. Either way, with her elytra in place she started making her way over to the first place she expected Joe to be: his winery. Or well, the _foundations_ of his winery, because as far as she knew he didn’t have a single wall in place yet. That being said, the mouldy cupcake knew he was working on it, and that was good enough.

The trip through the Nether was mostly uneventful, mostly thanks to the fact that the Nether roof was quite possibly the most boring place ever. Nothing really happened up there, aside from some portals scattered around on the bedrock, and some coloured lines showing which portal was which way. There were some mushrooms too, on a good day, and perhaps some ghasts or pigmen on a bad day, if people didn’t spawnproof their damned portals, but it was mostly just a stretch of bedrock and the red void fog. The one thing the Nether roof got going for itself was the fact that it wasn’t quite as swelteringly hot up there as it was in the regular Nether. Which was nice, because it meant her frosting wouldn’t get all melty and gross.

Nevertheless, the fresh, salty air of the Straight of Joebraltar was still nice to feel on her cake as she popped out of the portal. She squinted at the bits of scaffolding on the other side of the straight, trying to judge whether there was a muffin on there, but Cleo figured out quite quickly that she was simply too far away to properly see.

As such, she took a few rockets, bent her slim cupcake knees, and propelled herself into the air. Flying was always a bit precarious for her due to the less-than-optimal structural integrity of the cake she still had left, but on the other side, she could simply not be asked to step into a boat and row to the other side. Besides, what was the worst that could happen? Falling into the water was still infinitely better than splattering apart on stone or dirt, and it wasn’t like she wasn’t already full of mould anyway.

Cleo came closer to the winery, and as she had expected, there was a chocolate chip muffin up in the scaffolding, feet dangling off of it as he looked out over the sea. At some point, he must’ve noticed her, as she could see him getting up and quickly starting to climb down.

_Ah! The coward runs instead of facing the consequences of his actions. Well then._

She dived down, picking up speed before landing next to the pillar of scaffolding just as the muffin hit the floor.

“Hiya Joe,” she said, pulling out her sword.

“Oh, howdy Cleo!” he responded, a tremble in his voice. “What can I help you with on this fine day?” The mouldy cupcake squinted at the chocolate chip muffin with the little @ symbol in blue frosting.

“I was hoping you could help me get back some of the prizes for the head games. A little birdie told me they were stolen.”

Joe very slowly stepped backwards, turning to look behind him to see if he was still in the clear. In return, Cleo just stepped forwards, keeping the distance between them the same.

“Oh? That- that’s not good. I’m not a detective though, so-“

“A little birdie also told me you were involved.” A wrinkle appeared in her cake as she squinted at him.

“What, me? No, I would never! I wouldn’t touch a diamond, I don’t want to be infected by the disease that is capitalism.”

In response, Cleo merely squinted further.

“Really! I uh… I swore of diamonds. The only reason I’d touch them is to douse them in lava where they can burn for their sins. Even if I had been involved – which I wasn’t, really, believe me – I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.”

“Really now? That is _such_ a shame. For you, that is.” She went and let her thumb slide over the blade of her sword with casual elegance. The muffin stepped backwards a little bit faster. Her voice dropped to be dangerously low. “You better pay back each and every diamond you stole from me _with interest_. Otherwise… How does a conversion rate from one diamond to one chocolate chip sound?”

Her paces became faster as she slowly forced him backwards towards the water. Cleo knew _she_ wouldn’t mind being soggy for a while, but Joe… He was still relatively untarnished by the elements. He seemed rather nervous too, not too happy with the prospects of having the chocolate chips carved out of him.

“I- I can see what I can do but I can’t promise-“

Cleo set another pace forwards, and Joe found nothing but ocean behind him.

“I’ll try! I’ll try! Pleasedon’ttakemychocolatechips!” he exclaimed, his words so fast that the last sentence turned into basically a single word. “I’ll… I’ll figure out a way.”

The mouldy cupcake immediately dropped her blade, a cheery grin appearing on her cake once more.

“Excellent! I’ll look forward to seeing my diamonds returned in two days. Otherwise… Well. You better hide _really_ well, Joe.” She didn’t even try to hide her threat, and why would she? She needed those diamonds back. They were hers, after all.

“O-okay. Well then. Uh, see ya, Cleo?” he stammered in response, before carefully circling around her to go back to work on his winery, while she took to the skies to go back to her own base.

Now that that was dealt with, she could finally continue with her zoo. Maybe she’d have one of her critter statues eat a kid statue, to relax a little.

**Author's Note:**

> once again, i have no excuse. i swear im a serious writer.


End file.
